Cynicism Personified: The New $20

January 17, 2004

The New $20

Sorry a new entry has been so long in coming. Today, finally, I'd like to talk about the new $20 bill.

Before I say anything further, take a look at it.

Well, when I first saw The New Color of Money, I must admit I was skeptical, as I usually am. How is this that different than The Old Color of Money? What, really, is the big deal?

And then it dawned on me.

The government has stumbled upon a revolutionary new method of stopping counterfeiters. This method, far more advanced than the previously used methods of adding a bunch of tiny details that nobody will notice, adding watermarks, and/or writing small hidden messages on the clothing of whoever's on the bill, will signify a new age of stopping counterfeiters. It doesn't yet have a name, and while I am tempted to call it "Andre's New Method of Stopping Counterfeiters That Dawned on Him When He Saw the New $20 Bill," I must concede the method's ownership, creation, and execution to the U.S. government, and not yours truly.

So I will give it a descriptive moniker, rather than one praising the discoverer. Taking the cue from general-purpose terms used by the cryptographic community such as "Security by Obscurity," I will call this new anti-counterfeiter method...

"Security by Stupidity."

That's right, brilliant, isn't it? Imagine a scenario. Counterfeiter A, let's call him Ezekiel, is sitting in his kitchen when he decides he'd like to have a lot of money, preferably in 20's. So he goes to the nearest store and gets change for the four $5 bills he had under his mattress. He gets the $20, which is one of the New Color.

Ezekiel takes a look at it.

His first thought is, "Hey, they changed it." His second thought, "What the, it looks really stupid." His third thought is a nonverbal laugh. His fourth thought is, "What is this, some kind of warped bobblehead version of Andrew Jackson?"

And the answer, of course, is yes. That's the genius of Security by Stupidity.

Ezekiel thinks it too stupid to even be seen buying things with, so he doesn't counterfeit it.

Of course, Security by Stupidity isn't infallible, so the government incorporated various other security methods. For example, Security by Implicit Threat.
The threat is that your shoulders may become as horribly disfigured as poor Andrew Jackson's. Our sources tell us that we have exclusive evidence of the government campaign to cripple counterfeiters, and that it should arrive by the time I write my next entry, so stick around.

Posted by Andre at January 17, 2004 02:28 PM

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